FI lie to myself everyday and most days I believe it

Tonight like some nights I rub my belly when I am in the shower knowing that most likely it will never hold my child. Then when I get out I look at my naked body and say wow I get to rock this body for the rest of my life. No stretch marks, no sagging boobs, and no scar or torn up vagina and I smile and laugh. This is it, this is my life. Stay up or go to sleep, go home or not, go on vacation for a week no wait let’s stay longer, …… on the other hand I giving up the smiles, laughs, the sick cuddles, the weird things they say, and the moments where I wonder what in the world are you thinking. I don’t get to be a mom and Danny doesn’t get to be a dad.   
When I think about what’s next…….. I will will always hold on to the miracle of maybe but also knowing that most likely it’s a no. So I have stuff, baby stuff, things I have made, things I bought, and even things that were given to me sitting in my craft room. What do I do with them? I hate that stuff! It’s hope. False hope? Maybe hope? Who am I kidding hope? It’s the dream I don’t want to give up on but that stuff I really don’t want to have around anymore. So I decided to pack it all up and store it at my sisters house. Hoping out of sight out of mind. 

What really sucks is wondering what our kid would have looked like. Wondering what skill, what subject they would have struggled in or excelled at. Would they have gotten Dannys stupid butt chin? Missing out on making their costume every year for Halloween breaks my heart. I have always dreamed about making my kids costume like my mom and grandma did for me. Would I have a girl or a boy? Something I have planned on my whole life and the next step in every nursery rhyme isn’t my next step. First comes love, then comes marriage, and then comes a baby in a baby carriage. I found the love of my life and because of my body we can’t have OUR kids. It hurts that I can’t provide what seems so simple for him. Instead we plan on another dog and hopefully some farm animals. 

So yes I am finally out of my hole. I am finally not sad every second of every day but instead have moments of sadness that usually go away quickly. I have met my deductible and therefor ordered the labs that might be able to tell me why my body can’t make babies. The labs my doctor ordered include Fragile X, chromosome analysis, anti-adrenal antibodies and anti-ovarian antibodies.

These test take several weeks to result so once again I wait. Wonder if one of those results we can fix and we can move forward???? I have no idea…..